Something I Can Never Have
by Tzigane

[i still recall the taste of my tears]

Duo buried his face in the pillow. The room was small, soundproof. No one would hear him if he wept. No one would come. No one would care. He choked on the thick feeling of his sobs, the pillowcase wet with drenching tears as he sniffed miserably, rubbing his nose against the very edge of the pillow case because he was naked and aching. There was nothing else here for him to blow his nose on, might as well just rub it against the muslin pillow case.

Christ. The miserable bastards couldn't even buy good sheets.

[echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears]

Somewhere inside of him, he could hear Heero, the Heero he had loved so much. He could remember the ringing slap, the one that had stung his face, bruised his high feminine cheekbone with the flat of Heero's hand and flung him to the floor. The words Heero had spat at him, the expression on his face, it had ripped deep into his soul until Duo was nothing more than a wrecked empty vessel with nothing left except weeping and a broken heart, a shattered soul. Too much pain.

[my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.scraping through my head 'til i don't want to sleep anymore]

Violet eyes closed sleepily, imagining better times. Quatre, Trowa, smiling at him. Breakfast with Wufei, some concoction of his that Duo had been rather dubious about but which had been distinctly wonderful. Heero, his face on the pillow next to Duo's, cobalt eyes soft and warm, sweet, delicious and heavy from sated lovemaking. That thought continued to another, and another, making love in warm rain in some small tropical area, his hair spread around on the sand as Heero drove inside of him and kissed his lips, hot and sweet. Too hard to try and sleep when all he could think of tonight was Heero. Not that it would matter. If he was needed, he'd be awakened anyway.

[come on tell me.make this all go away.you make this all go away]

The tears were dry now but Duo's heart was still shattered in his chest. Thoughts of Heero, they ripped him apart, even now. Even now, all it would take would be a single word, a letter, any kind of contact. He'd do anything, anything, to be with Heero again, to belong to him again. He'd be slave, servant, lover, anything.

Because Heero was the only one who could fix him. Heero was the only one who could make the pain go away.

[i'm down to just one thing and i'm starting to scare myself]

Duo's lips twisted in disgust, nausea filling him. God! Did he have no pride? Was there nothing left inside of the person he'd been three years ago, when they'd been fighting side by side, arguing over the dinner table, sleeping curled one against the other in the dark night? There was nothing left but the thought of Heero and the hope, the hope that he would come, that he would be able to save Duo from himself.

Not bloody likely.

[make this all go away.you make this all go away.i just want something.i just want something i can never have]

Duo choked on a sob once again. How fucking stupid could he be? He'd waited every day, every day for two years[2], and Heero never came. Heero was not looking for him. Heero was something that he could no longer have, that no longer belonged to him. Heero could no longer save him.

And he couldn't save himself.

[you were always the one to show me how]

Thoughts of Heero, stroking away tears as he stole Duo's virginity, his body iron hard inside of Duo and Duo too tense and scared to relax, making it hurt all the worse. Heero had shown him how to do it, how to take it, how to make love back to him, soft kisses, gentle nibbles, sweet caresses in the night. Duo's soft words had never been returned but so what? He had been so certain that those feelings were returned, that he was worth the extra effort. The extra mile. Now he knew he was wrong, so wrong, and that hurt, drove his heart into a screaming agony that made him want to die, made him want to give up everything and never ever have to suffer this way again. He'd give a lot for a sharp object just now -- or even a dull one, so long as he could find a way to slit his wrists.

[back then i couldn't do the things that i can do now.this thing is slowly tearing me apart.grey would be the color if i had a heart]

Duo glanced dispassionately around the room. He could see the chain that was attached to his collar where it met the brace in the wall. He'd ripped it out trying to escape once but it hadn't done much good. The window was high up and barred and his door in particular was watched. They had beaten him so badly that he hadn't been in service for two weeks.

There was almost no furnishing -- a single chair bolted to the floor and this bed with its feather mattress. Comfortable, he supposed. There was a locked closet and in that closet lay the bad things. He always thought of them that way because all he had wanted so long ago was Heero. There was no need then for whips or chains or drugs or dildos because some family man wanted to abuse a young man that looked like his son but couldn't get it up. Oh, no. Getting it up wasn't a problem Heero had. Duo would never have done those things then, wouldn't do them now, not willingly, not if he had a choice.

Every time, it ripped his heart to shreds. Every time, it was like dying all over again, and his emotions were gone, empty, all save his love for Heero and the hope that one day, one day, someone would find him. *HEERO* would find him and save him... and care. Make this never ending torture stop. Make him human again.

[i just want something i can never have]

Oh, God. Could anyone make what was left of him human again?

[in this place it seems like such a shame.though it all looks different now.i know it's still the same]

He could hear them outside and he curled into a tight ball, nausea rising in his throat. {Please, God, please, God, don't let them come in here. Don't let it be here. And if it's Heero... if it's Heero....}

Shame rampaged inside of him, something he thought he'd lost a long time ago. He wanted Heero to rescue him but he knew that if Heero saw him this way, he would never be able to face him again. Never be able to look at him, to say "I love you" because he would be nothing. Nothing, just a useless whore.

It wouldn't matter. He knew it wouldn't matter. Heero would never come for him, not after the lies Relena had told him, not after the lurid description of his supposed "rape" of her. Duo couldn't believe that Heero had believed her, had hit him, had sent him away over her lies. And she had found him and had him brought here. The sobs came again and he shuddered with them. So what if someone caught him? They were just here to hurt him, to make him cry anyway. Nothing ever changed.

[everywhere i look you're all i see.just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be]

Duo shivered and pulled the light sheet they'd given him up to his waist. All he could think tonight was that once he'd been happy. He knew he had. And Heero had loved him, how could he not have loved him? Duo would have died for him, every day, every mission, every moment. There was nothing to see in this room, nothing to think about but himself and Heero and what could have been.

He wished they were still drugging his fucking food. Then, at least, he could hallucinate, could forget these things that ripped apart his soul, made him want to scream, made him cry. God, God, God. Then he didn't think about ways to get out of this hell hole.

[come on tell me.make this all go away.you make this all go away.i'm down to just one thing and i'm starting to scare myself.make this all go away.you make this all go away.i just want something.i just want something i can never have.i just want something i can never have]

Duo sighed and turned his face into the pillow once again. Tired. He was so tired. The crying had given him an ache deep in his chest where he had thought nothing lived anymore. The voices were still outside the door that led to this room but so what? No one had entered. And as tense and afraid as he always was, he was so tired. A few moments of sleep before they came in to hurt him. A few moments of oblivion.

The dark lashes brushed pale cheeks as violet eyes closed in exhaustion. His body didn't want to be present and his mind wasn't going to be. Not if he could help it, not if he could send himself away someplace safe, someplace no one could hurt him again. And maybe afterwards, this would be the one. The one who would be careless enough to leave the closet open, to leave him some opportunity to finish this. To make it stop. Please God let it be the one tonight.

[think i know what you meant.that night on my bed.still picking at this scab.i wish you were dead.your sweat and perry ellis.just stains on my sheets]

The door opened slowly, almost silently, but Duo was fast asleep. It had taken so little after all of his weeping for him to fall into that deep rest, not a healing rest, but that couldn't be so long as he was here.

The door closed quietly behind the man who entered, the shadow of his broad shouldered yet slender frame cast upon the grungy white wall from the pallid moonlight that spilled in from the window. He crossed the floor gently and knelt beside the bed, although it made him sick to do so. He could hear his shoes sticking to the floor with each step and he felt sure that if he turned on the light, roaches would scuttle away to their secret hiding places. This entire thing made him fucking sick. The sheets were filthy and the young man whom he knew to be eighteen was too thin, his hair cut short in ragged patches. His face seemed to be that of Heero's violet eyed angel, the one who's so sweetly confessed his heartfelt love, but Heero knew that he could not be the same, that he had destroyed something wonderful and precious in Duo's soul and left him open to this, this degradation provided by the darling Relena-san.

After two years of trying to find Duo, he'd gone to her mansion last night and fulfilled his promise of finishing his mission. Before she'd died, she'd told him everything, where she'd sent his love, the video tapes she'd had made so that she could enjoy her revenge.

He'd only watched one. Then, he'd vomited everything he'd ever eaten. He was sure of it.

Heero gently took one of Duo's hand and remained by his bedside. He would let him sleep for an hour and then he would blow up the walls to get him out if he had to do so. Later, he'd come back and bomb the entire fucking building -- after he'd personally tortured to death each and every person whose name had so gracefully crossed Relena-san's bloodied lips.

Heero closed his eyes to await the awakening of his beloved.


[1] nin. Just in case you needed to know ^_~

[2] Well, he had a year with Heero. So three years ago he was a different person... and two years ago, everything dropped straight into Hell, more or less. --;


Duo stirred sleepily, the dream holding him tight. It was a nightmare, like many he'd had, but it seemed worse somehow because Heero's face was on this man's body, this man who came so often.

{"You know," the dream man commented lazily, "I've never whipped any of my children. Particularly not my son. Girls expect the occassional spanking but not boys. Boys grow up to be men, don't you think?" The belt licking lazily at Duo's thighs and bottom belied his statement. He knew that he was covered in fat stripes from the thick leather belt and he had been sobbing miserably into the covers for almost ten minutes now. God. It hurt so bad. "You look so much like him." *THWACK!* "It's a shame you're here, my boy. What possesses you to sell your body this way?" *TWHACK!* "No answer? Ahh." *THWACK!* And then the sound of unbluckling pants and the deep dry thrust inside of him that made him scream into the mattress. "You're such a good boy."}

His body shot up with a terrified cry, violet eyes opening wide and then shutting again as his vision was flooded with sunlight. He dropped back into the soft pillows and moaned softly, nuzzling against them.

Wait.

Sunlight? Enough to hurt his eyes?

Duo peeked open one shimmering purple eye and then the other flew open in shock.

He wasn't in that room anymore! He could escape!

He tried to stand in an effort to get up, get away, but he slumped down by the side of the bed, too weak to go any farther. His arm hurt and he could see where his fall had jerked an IV needle loose.

"Duo!"

The cry seemed to come from his left side but he couldn't see over the bed to find out who it was. It sounded so sweet, so familiar...

"Quatre!" Duo watched him in amazement as he helped Duo up and back into the bed, tucking him in. "Quatre? Are you a hallucination? You must be! How did I get here? I don't remember... I was asleep.. I..." His eyes filled with desperate tears.

"Hush now. Heero brought you home to us," Quatre whispered gently. "I'm going to go get the doctor so that he can fix your IV, all right? And then we'll talk."

Duo sniffed back the tears. "All right."


"He's awake?"

"Hn. Mhm. I sent the doctor in."

"How's he doing?"

"He looks better. Just getting the antibiotics in him helped..."

"He looked so bad when Heero brought him in..."

Quatre tilted his face at Trowa and Wufei. The war was over, had been for almost a year now. Trowa lived here with Quatre and Wufei kept in close touch. They'd all helped Heero in his search for Duo. It was Wufei who'd heard the rumors of the violet-eyed chestnut-haired boy that Relena had sent to that dirty little red light district on Earth.

When they'd seen Duo wrapped in that filthy sheet in Heero's arms as he struggled in four nights ago, each of them had wanted to dig Relena up and kill her again. Not that Heero hadn't done a thorough enough job. They'd had to identify her using dental records, after all.

"Speaking of Heero..." Quatre murmured, "Didn't he want to be notified when Duo woke?"

Trowa shrugged. "He just got back an hour ago. I've already seen news clips running. I'd say he didn't just blow up that brothel, he blew up the whole BLOCK." Even Wufei's eyes became round.

"Makes you kind of glad that none of us ever touched Duo, huh?" Quatre murmured, eyes wide.

Two heads nodded wisely. "Oh, yeah."


Quatre knocked on Duo's door and gently pushed it open. The other boy appeared to be sleeping at first but opened his eyes as Quatre came nearer. "Quatre..." the husky rust of Duo's voice was different now than it had been two years ago, as if he'd done too much screaming, too much... Too much something.

Quatre sat in the chair by Duo's bed and took his hand tenderly within both of his own. "Duo. We've missed you so badly."

"Heero... Heero sent me away," Duo choked, "and then Relena..."

"Matte! Duo! Heero wasn't sending you away!" Quatre bit his lip tightly. "Oh, I should let Heero explain. It's his right, you know." He patted Duo's hand lightly. "But Duo, you know, he loves you. Loves you with all of his heart, as he always has. That never stopped."

Duo turned his head away from Quatre, buried it in the soft percale sheets. "Then why, Quatre?" The whisper seemed broken. "Why did it take so long?"

Quatre made a helpless sound in his throat and carefully pulled Duo around to hug him tightly. "Oh, Duo. My dear one," he whispered, gently stroking the clean short hair that had been trimmed so that it resembled a haircut instead of a hedge at which someone had hacked. "You can't imagine. When you left that night, it was so unexpected and we looked so hard for clues as to where you went! There was nothing to be found... It was as though you'd disappeared into thin air! Heero was useless to us and Trowa, Wufei and I took over his missions and yours so that he could search for you. It was a miracle we managed it. I think I went for an entire two months without sleeping once. Heero spent over a year looking for you mostly by himself and then, with the war over, we began to search with him. It took another year to find you and even then it was only because one of Relena's henchman was drunk in a bar in which Wufei happened to be..." His voice trailed off into a thin whisper. "You were almost impossible to find."

"How can you bear to touch me, Quatre? I'm...." Duo trailed off. "I'm so..."

"No," came a quiet voice from the door. "You aren't dirty."

Quatre lifted his head and glanced towards the door. "Ah." With a small smile at Duo, he patted his hand one last time. "I'll come back to see you again soon. Trowa and Wufei, too. They're dying to talk with you, see you smile."

"All... All right," Duo murmured, swallowing deeply before glancing at the man standing in the doorway.

Heero moved inside with feral grace, shutting the door behind Quatre as he left. Gingerly, he moved to Duo's bed and sat on the very edge, his fingers tracing the fold where the sheet had been pulled back. "How are you feeling?"

"Better. Better than I have in a long time, I guess." Duo could not meet Heero's eyes. God, he wasn't worthy of looking at him, was he? He was all that was left of a filthy whore, nothing more. Nothing special. He felt strong fingers take hold of his chin and he wanted to resist but it was impossible. He found himself staring straight into Heero's face.

"Why?"

"Why what?" Duo hedged, not certain as to what Heero wanted.

"Why did you leave me?" The agony in those sapphire spiked cobalt eyes made Duo gasp. They looked the way he imagined his eyes did, sometimes.

"L..leave you? I? Leave YOU!" The stunned amazement in Duo's voice made Heero tilt his head. "You as much as told me to go! You believed that R..Rrrr... Relena woman! You thought I had done that, didn't you? And you didn't want me anymore..." Duo lifted one hand to his face to touch the tears sliding down, warm, the side of his face Heero had slapped and bruised, so hard. "You hit me," his voice shook. "You didn't ww..www...."

Heero gathered him gently into his arms, kissing the top of that short hair. "I was jealous," he whispered. "That's why I hit you. I don't know what made me believe her. I didn't believe that you'd raped her. I suppose I believed that ... that you might have had sex with her. It hurt. I didn't.. I don't know why I did what I did. I never wanted you to go, Duo. I never wanted to hurt you, oh, God, I never wanted you hurt when I love you so much." The sound of his voice was raw.

The words, never spoken before, seemed to slide inside of Duo, caress him until he was warm. "H.. Heero..."

"And then I found out what she had done to you, all of the things that had happened to you. I saw that room, those people, filthy bastards, and the things.. the things that were in your closet...."

Duo's face flushed with his shame and he tried to twist away from Heero with no luck. He was weak from lack of excercise, sun, fresh air, good food, and Heero was strong. So strong. Always. Duo began to sob helplessly and flung his arms around Heero's neck, holding him close. "I waited for you!" he cried. "I waited every day and you didn't come and you didn't come! I thought you didn't love me! I thought that you were with her!"

Heero's hands were gentle on his back, stroking in wide circles. "I'd rather die than be with that hateful bitch." He drew back slightly. "But she did instead."

Duo raised his face to Heero's. "Whh... what?"

Heero breathed in deeply. "She wouldn't admit that she knew where you were." His face was solemn. "I convinced her that she did. It was a shame that she died in the convincing, don't you think?"

"You killed her," Duo breathed, eyes wide as he glanced at Heero. "You killed her?"

Heero began to look worried. "Yyyeeesss...." he answered slowly. "I killed her."

"Damn," Duo sighed. "I didn't want to miss that."

Heero let out an explosive breath. "Sorry."

After several moments of what seemed to Heero to be a strained silence, Duo glanced up at him. "You said I'm not dirty... but Heero... Heero, I am. I've done things.. things no one should ever do. I've been f..f..forced..." Here he stopped, trying to gain control of his emotions. "Forced," he continued, "to do things that I never would have chosen. I'm nothing, Heero. A used up whore, less than that." His voice break and he squeaked out a whisper, "Not worthy of you."

"Don't you EVER say that to me again," Heero snapped out in a taut voice. "Not EVER. Do you understand me?" Duo nodded slowly, his eyes wide. "You are worth the world to me. Just because one evil woman thought that she could have me by getting rid of you, the person who means the most to me in the world... Just because SHE thought that even if I found you, I wouldn't love you anymore... And just because you've managed to convince yourself of it... Those things don't make it true." He grasped Duo's upper arms and shook him gently. "I will love you until the oceans all run dry and the stars explode around us, Duo Maxwell. Don't you EVER dare think otherwise!" With that, he pulled him tightly against his chest and buried his face in the short locks at the front of Duo's hair to smell the remembered smell of Duo, a clean Duo.

Duo shivered in shock as he felt someone holding him too close, too hard, and he wanted to fight but resisted. It was Heero, Heero holding him! Heero to whom he belonged after all! "Heero?" he whispered hesitantly after some seconds.

"Hmm?"

"Would you..." Duo took a deep breath. "Would you kiss me?"

Heero pulled away, a disturbed look on his face. "So soon?"

Duo glanced away shyly. "No one's kissed me in two years. Not since... Not since you."

Heero gently tipped the heart shaped face up with his fingers beneath Duo's chin. The look in his eyes was of warm melting ocean waves crashing like those on the beach Duo had remembered so clearly only nights before. He felt Heero tilt him back into the pillows and he closed his eyes as tender lips slid across his, sweet and soothing, a solemn caress that said "I love you" in the best kind of way.

Heero gently lifted his head and looked down into sleep violet eyes as Duo blinked, wanting badly to stay awake but too exhausted for more. "We have all the days of our lives, my heart," he whispered softly. "Close your eyes now. Get better for me." He put one hand gently on the shorn chestnut locks, a certain pain reflected in that touch. "Get better for me."


Dreaming. He was aware that he was dreaming; his psychiatrist, all of those weeks spent at Quatre's desert home, they had taught him they were dreams.

They had not taught him how to wake from them.

{"What beautiful hair you have," the faceless voice murmured. "Exquisite. You must have been growing it for years."

Duo remained silent, his eyes closed behind the blindfold, not even the barest slit of light available.

"It's quite unfortunate that we don't have the time to care for it," came the almost regretful voice. "Your price would be so much higher..."

He felt hands on his thick honey shot chestnut braid and began to struggle fitfully against the bonds they'd used to strap him down. "NO!!!"

It hurt when someone punched him in his diaphragm. "You'll learn never to tell me "NO" you little piece of shit," came the anonymous growl.

He felt it when they started hacking at his hair and...}

"Duo! Duo!" Heero shook Duo very gently, trying to wake him. Blue violet eyes opened wide, soundlessly spilling tears as he shuddered in Heero's arms, oblivious to his surroundings. Duo's entire face was blank.

Night Terror Syndrome[1], the psychiatrist at Quatre's place had called it. It had frustrated Heero to no end at first because there seemed to be nothing that he could do to help Duo through the dreams, the nightmares that woke him screaming and weeping although he did not remember these things the following morning. Heero soon learned that Duo calmed under his touch. Twin beds were placed in the largest bedroom of their two bedroom apartment so that Heero was never far and could hold him when needed.

Duo sighed softly, eyes closing, and Heero gently lay him back against his pillows and stood to pull the covers up to his chin. With gentle fingers, he tucked a long strand of hair behind Duo's left ear before sliding between the sheets of his own lonely bed.

It had been a year and a half since the night Heero had finally found his Angel where he'd been buried in the deepest pit of Hell. The jagged hair was just past shoulder length now and Heero spent great amounts of time brushing it, gently creating intricate braids that would show his delicate faery lover how beautiful he was when he looked in the mirror.

Duo still would not believe.

"Will you ever be well, my beloved, my heart?" he whispered in an anguished tone. The Perfect Soldier was many things but most of all he was a failure. He had failed once in keeping his Angel safe.

He would never fail again.


"I don't want to go, Heero," Duo muttered. "I don't like him."

"Of course you don't like him. He's like all the rest of those shrinks[2], but doesn't it help you to talk to someone? To get it out...?" Heero answered, turning the wheel of their late model sports car into the parking lot of Duo's psychiatrist.

"I just... I leave feeling dirtier than when I went in. Honest to God, I think he just wants to hear me talk so he can jerk off about it later." Duo sounded so miserable. Shimata.

"All right," Heero answered evenly. "One last time and then you don't have to come again, ok?"

Duo contemplated it. "All right. One last time."

"I'll be here waiting on you." Duo never wanted him to go into the office for some reason. Not that he hadn't been in there. And not that he wasn't above spying on the shrink Duo was about to see, which was what he'd do today, to see if he could learn the real reason why Duo didn't like him.

"All right." With a hefty sigh, Duo opened the door and slid out onto the pavement. One hand tugged unconsciously at his braid and he breathed deeply.

One more time. That would be all it took.


"Are you asleep now?" Dr. Najimoto had been using hypnosis on Duo for almost two months now.

"Yes," came the monotone answer.

"Good," the doctor practically purred. He was already reaching his hands into his pants. "Now. You're in that brothel, that filthy little whorehouse. They've cut your hair. What are they doing to you now?"

The voice that responded was tortured beyond words. "Hurting me."

"How are they hurting you?"

"I can feel my braid around my throat!" There was a gasp as if for breath or because of tears. "They're choking me and someone has thrown me on the floor." The soft creaking of the couch became obvious as the pretty boy began to rock back and forth. "Someone is behind me."

"And what are they doing to you, my dear boy?" Dr. Najimoto hissed, his hand stroking his cock through his briefs.

"I can't! I can't!"

"Answer me! Get it out!"

"There's someone inside of me." The voice broke into deep sobs. "R..r.. raping me. It hurts. Oh God, it HURTS. HEERO!" The beautiful violet eyed young man was sobbing breathlessly even in his hypnosis.

"Calm down. Calm down now!" the doctor commanded, eyes shutting. God, he could just see it, see that boy bent over and someone...

"Omae o korosu."

Dr. Najimoto's eyes flew open with shock and he took note of the silencer equipped gun pressed to his forehead, precisely between his eyes. His erection flagged and he felt something warm running down into his shoe that was NOT ejaculate. "Who..?" he whispered dryly.

"How do I wake him up." Cold cobalt eyes stared into terrified brown ones as he demanded an answer, not bothering to ask a question.

"Count to three," the doctor whispered in a terrified voice, "and ask him if he wants to go see the elephants."[3]

"I'll give you twenty-four hours, you fucking freak," came the furious hiss. "And that's all you've got to find some hole to hide in. You got that?" Those terrifying eyes were narrowed again. The doctor was going to have to do more than change clothes. He was going to have to empty his shorts.

"Whatever you say."

"Get out."


"What was going on in there, Heero?" Duo asked in confusion as they slid into the car. The receptionist had seemed a little nervous and it *had* been odd to wake from the hypnosis to find Heero standing there, Heero who'd said he'd be in the car in the parking lot.

"That hypnosis business was a crock of shit," Heero growled. "I wanted to see if it was helping you and it wasn't so I told the shrink we wouldn't see him any more. That simple." Heero was good at lies when it came to protecting Duo.

Duo tilted his head to the side. "Heero?"

"Hm??"

"I love you."

"... I love you, too."


Dinner was a definite success.

Heero smiled at Duo in the candlelight. He'd gone to a great deal of effort to get this right. He had never had to try so hard when they were younger, Duo just fell into his arms, laughing and teasing, at all moments. Now, it was a constant effort and if it made his Duo better then any amount of effort was worth it.

His fingers caressed the back of Duo's hand gently. "C'mon. Let's clean off the table."

They cleared away food and dishes in a companionable silence, Duo scraping away the remnants of supper and placing their plates, silverware and glasses in the washer. When the kitchen was clean, Heero turned to him and took him in his arms impulsively. "Come upstairs with me," he whispered, impassioned by the sight of a tipsy Duo caressing his own mouth with those impossibly long beautiful fingers.

"H..Heero.. I don't know..." Duo ducked his head and put it under Heero's chin. "I want to but.. but.. I'm so..."

"Afraid," Heero whispered. "I know. I want what's best for you. I want you to know that it's all right. I want.. I want to be able to touch you, kiss you, give you affection." He sighed softly. "I want to make love to you and be a part of you. I know you don't want that.. I..." He bit his lip.

A hot flush spread over Duo's cheek as he reached around his waist to take hold of Heero's hand. "Heero.." he murmured thoughtfully. With a deep breath, he turned and started pulling Heero towards the stairs.

"Duo?"

"Come on, dammit," Duo ground out, "before I lose my nerve." A certain pallor had crept up on his cheeks as he almost ran up the stairs, pulling Heero behind, and ducked to the right instead of the left -- the room with one queen size bed in it. Grimly, he dropped Heero's hand once inside and began jerking at his clothing.

"Whoa!" Heero cried. "What are you doing!?"

Duo flushed brightly and closed his eyes in an attempt to hide the tears welling there. Instead, they dripped out and began to slide down the cheeks of his heart shaped face. "I don't know."

Heero sighed softly and pulled Duo against him, stroking his back gently. "I don't mean that we have to do this now or anytime before you're ready for it. I just want to.. to be able to touch you without making you afraid," he whispered.

Duo shifted into his arms comfortably, pressing himself against Heero's chest. "Oh, Heero."

Heero gently pushed him back into the bed and crawled in beside him, his fingers pulling the elastic out of the bottom of Duo's braid and spreading Duo's hair gently around his face. "I love you, you know."

Duo felt Heero's mouth gently kiss his forehead and sighed, relaxing in his arms. This was Heero, not some trick. This was the man he loved, had loved since he was barely fifteen and piloting a Gundam in a war that had taken his childhood. This was Heero.

Heero spread feather-light kisses across his face, his hands placed gingerly on Duo's shoulders. As Duo's arms hesitantly moved around him, he pressed closer, careful not to press his rapidly hardening groin too close. "My Duo," he whispered softly, taking Duo's lips in sweet open-mouthed kisses that tantalized, made him shiver and moan softly against those lips.

Duo whimpered and pressed closer, shuddering almost fearfully as he pressed to closely against Heero and felt his cock press against his thigh. "Unh," he muttered softly, pulling away just a bit.

"Are you all right?" Heero caressed his cheek tenderly.

"Fine," Duo whispered, moving against him tremulously. "I'm ok."

Heero backed off slightly, his eyes fuzzy with obvious desire, mouth slightly swollen from the kisses he'd been giving Duo. "Is that far enough? Are you ready to stop?"

"...no..." Duo leaned up and captured Heero's mouth, sliding his tongue between lips and teeth to tangle teasingly with Heero's own, tracing the roof with gentle touch even as he whimpered into Heero's throat. Kissing Heero was so good. No one else had ever kissed him and there was no threat in Heero's mouth against his own.

With trembling fingers, Heero began to gently pull at the buttons of Duo's purple shirt, parting it very slowly before pushing it back off of Duo's shoulders. His kisses had moved from Duo's jaw to his throat and then to the bare skin he'd just revealed. He could feel Duo becoming tense beneath him but he stroked his back soothingly even as he moved to kiss the hollow of his throat. "I love you, Duo," he murmured, his nose bumping lightly against Duo's chin. "My heart. My beloved one," came what seemed almost a sigh.

Duo shuddered, a certain amount of the tension leaving him. If he could just remember that this was Heero touching him, Heero, his saviour, his Perfect Soldier, he would be all right, he knew that. "Heero," he whimpered, fingers coming to twine in the short locks of Heero's hair. "Oh, my Heero..."

"Here," Heero mumbled. Kneeling up, he stripped away the ice-blue silk shirt he'd been wearing and unbuttoned his black jeans. Without pulling them off, he lay back down beside Duo and, for the first time in almost four years, they were chest to chest. The heat from Duo's skin made him shudder as he pushed Duo's shirt the rest of the way off and settled back to kissing his mouth, tender and sweet, nothing more than gentle.

Duo shuddered, that bare skin delicious and, somehow, frightening, threatening. If Heero's mouth had not been plastered against his own, he would not have been able to bear that touch, he knew it! His trembling increased as Heero gently caressed the tips of his fingers across Duo's nipples and he opened his mouth to object. "Heero..."

Heero's hands were gone, holding his arms now. He'd responded before Duo could get the words out and Duo gave him a tremulous smile even as Heero began pressing those feather light kisses to his face again. "I love you," he whispered, "I love you."

Duo relaxed, his heart responding to those words as he trailed his hand down Heero's belly. He wanted to touch him so badly and touching Heero was different than having Heero touch him. His hands slid inside Heero's jeans, taking note that there were (as had always been so) no underwear. His hand clasped ever so loosely around the shaft before he cried out and tried to jerk his hand back.

{"Good Boy..."}

"No!" Duo sobbed, struggling suddenly.

Heero gasped in surprise, groaning as Duo jerked away too hard, almost hurting him. He ignored it to wrap his arms tightly around Duo. "Shhh. Shhh, Duo, love, please," he whispered, tortured.[4]

Duo calmed, panting for breath. "We don't have to do this now," Heero murmured gently, his words tickling against Duo's ear.

"Yes, we do," Duo whispered in response. "If I don't do this now, I won't ever be able to, Heero! I won't!" He wrapped his arms tightly around Heero. "I want to do it. I do, Heero. Please. Please. Fix me," he almost sobbed.

Heero wrapped his arms tightly around his lover, his heart, his Angel, and began to kiss him even as his fingers dexterously pulled open the fly and zipper of Duo's jeans and began pushing them off, away from his skin. He rose, there was no way to do this with both of them laying this way and Duo trembling.

It took only seconds to strip them both naked but by the time he was back Duo's trembling had increased until it was a marked shaking. Heero pulled the covers down from underneath their bodies and snuggled up to Duo. He felt like a block of ice but after a while of tender kisses, Heero's heat had begun to melt him.

Duo's fingers ran across Heero's skin, brailleing[5] his face and upper body even as he felt Heero gently pressing his hips and the evidence of his desire against his thigh. He whispered Heero's name softly and hugged him tight before moving to lay on his back, Heero rising over him. Heero's gentle kisses seemed to wipe away all of the ugly memories even as Heero's hands stroked down his body, touching parts of him that had not been touched in a year and a half, parts that had not been loved in a much longer time. His trembling open mouthed gasps brought ravenous sucking kisses in response and Heero knew that this was his wet velvet sex kitten responding to him now, his darling, his love. His Angel.

Duo cried out, a soft sound that echoed in the room and was probably heard through the wall of their apartment as one of Heero's fingers searched for (and found) his secret entrance. For a moment, he struggled a little but then he succumbed to those mind-blowing caresses of Heero's lips and he shuddered.

Heero fumbled with one hand for the lubricant that he'd kept in the drawer beside the bed for months now (just in case!) and managed to flip open the top with one hand and coat his fingers without Duo noticing. A second finger slid inside of Duo easily, his anus sucking at Heero's thrusting digits even as he began to rock his hips and sob softly, "Heero... Heero!" Duo's cock lay taut against his belly and Heero could not resist removing his fingers and stroking his hand down that hard shaft, drawing forth the softest sounds of pleasure he'd ever heard from anyone, much less this man that filled every part of him with wonder, that fulfilled him in ways he'd never dreamed of when he was the Perfect Soldier. He wasn't that Perfect Soldier anymore. What was he now? Nothing if not Duo's.

Duo sobbed for breath as Heero slid between his thighs and gently rocked his cock against Duo's, the covers falling to Heero's waist, his palms caressing Duo's nipples again and making him arch. "Heero!"

"Are you ready, Duo?" Heero panted, his cobalt eyes half-closed with tension and desire.

Duo reached up wordlessly and wrapped his arms around Heero's neck. "I'm yours," he whispered in Heero's ear. It was impossible not to tense as Heero pressed his tip against him.

"Relax, Duo," Heero hissed quietly, his entire body held taut. "Please, God, relax!"

"Hnnnn," Duo whimpered. "Hn-uh! I can't!" It came out almost as a wail.

Heero's body relaxed and he pulled away, simply laying on top of Duo for several moments as Duo trembled beneath him. "Heero?" he whispered. "I'm sorry. Are you angry?"

Heero lifted his head and smiled at him, strangely gentle. "No. I'm not angry. I love you," he murmured. He lifted his fingers to caress Duo's cheek, touch of velvet beneath his fingertips. "Do you want to go on?"

"...yeah." Duo smiled sheepishly. "I want what we used to have. I want..." he sighed softly and with that sigh released all of the tension and fear that had been building inside of him all day. "I love you, Heero."

Heero entered him with extreme care, stopping with each little whimper and moan, "I love you" a whispering susurration in Duo's ear. He was buried to the hilt and Duo was rocking to meet him, sobbing his name. Heero held still inside of him for what seemed an eternity before he slowly withdrew and slid back inside, his hands caressing down Duo's sides and up to gently cup his face, delivering languorous kisses that seemed to drug him down to the depths of his very soul.

Duo could feel his cock rubbing between their bellies, could feel Heero deep inside of him, buried and making him feel good, so good, the way no one else ever could. It was coming home, it was being healed, it was all of the good things in the world, chocolate covered cherries, strawberries and champagne, to be held in Heero's arms and to belong to him. Part of Duo's soul that had seemed to be gone forever flooded open and he cried out, arching to Heero's thrusts and moaning loudly (definitely surprising the neighbours) as one of Heero's hands moved from holding himself up and began to stroke at Duo's shaft, pushing him towards orgasm.

"Hhhhh... Hhhhh.. HEERO!" he moaned helplessly as he felt himself sliding over that precipice, his entire body locking in a great shudder that seemed to run from him to Heero. After a single thrust more, Heero gasped and fell onto his chest and he could feel the wetness of Heero's seed inside of him even as he realized that they were collapsed in a gasping sweaty heap.

"Sweet God," Duo whispered, tears spring to his eyes and trembling through his lashes and down his cheeks.

"I hurt you?" Heero asked, his voice obviously anguished as he shoved himself up on an elbow, obviously very tired. Tears were gathering in his own eyes as he glanced down at his weeping lover.

"No, Heero," Duo whispered softly, reaching up to cup Heero's face in his hands. "You fixed me." And with that, he leaned up and kissed Heero with all the forgotten passion, all of the adoration, that had been hiding inside of him. "I love you."

"With all my heart."

"Forever."


[1] Some of you probably know this is real; my baby sister used to have it. I think it's more common to children but Duo's problem works similarly. That is to say, you "wake up" screaming but you aren't really there, you seem to be in a trance... and when you really wake, you probably don't remember any of it....

[2] Nothing meant by it, my best friend is on her way to being "one of those shrinks" and it amuses me to phrase it so ;)

[3] In _The Stand_, they ask Tom if he wants to go see the elephants to bring him in and out of hypnosis ^_^

[4] Dammit, Heero's been through lots, too, and if he wants to use endearments all the time he by golly CAN!

[5] Probably not a word but what the hell ;)

Find more of Tzigane at Caffiends Asylum.