The following is a portion of a GW fanfic I stumbled onto that had the makings of a good story, but needed lots of work. The story is interspersed with my own comments in italics
~Kate

Trowa looked up at the moon. The cold, white light that shone down on him always fascinated him in some way. He did not know why, but he always assumed it was because it reflected his own soul. Cold, barren, stark. No warmth and no emotion. For as long as he could remember, he had always been like that.

A nameless, emotionless soldier on the field.

Trowa supposed he was not always like that. He supposed he had a mother and a father like everyone else, a family that loved him and cared for him. (here the verb tense can be unclear. To say that he supposed he had when speaking in past tense already implied that at the moment he was doing the supposing, mother and father were busy loving and caring for him. To set the distance the mood calls for, two things can be done: you could say that "he supposed he had had [grammatically correct however strange it appears] a mother and father..." which can be abbreviated to "he supposed he'd had..." or you could set it even further in the distance by saying "he supposed he once had...") He even had dreams about it, when he was younger. But those fleeting memories were very hazy in the first place and as he got older, he dreamed less and less about that long-lost family of his. (This is a case of using too much emphasis. You have already set up the obsolescence of his dreams by describing them as "fleeting". The expression "hazy" is descriptive enough not to require further descriptors ["very"]. Furthermore, "in the first place" loads this sentence unnecessarily. If you did wish for them to be hazy in the first place, then the adjective would have been better suited to the previous sentence. "He even had hazy dreams about it, when he was younger." To avoid redundancy, you would simply remove "hazy" and replace it with "fleeting", like so: "But those memories were fleeting, and as he got older, he dreamed less and less..." However, I volunteer that the original phrase stands well enough without that particle as "But those fleeting memories were hazy, and as he got older...") Until he stopped altogether. That happened when he became a full-fledged member of a group of mercenaries, instead of just a foundling.

(I hate to sound like your English teacher [which I probably already do anyway ^_^] but since the previous paragraph was about dreams, and the next paragraph is about becoming a mercenary, you might want to consider ending this paragraph with "Until he stopped altogether", which would give the subject an eloquent finality, and begin the next paragraph with "That happened when...") He supposed that those mercenaries that first took care of him were his family, too, but he lost them to an ill-conceived notion of trust. Never. Never again.

If he did not trust, then he would not get hurt.

Which confused him, because he began to trust once again, when he swore he would not. (Once again, here is where multiple layers of past tense can play against you. When you're telling a story in the past tense, to say that "he began to trust once again" implies that he was beginning to trust someone right at that very moment, rather than that it was an ongoing development that caused him some concern. To correct this, change the tense to "he had begun to trust once again.")